Local Man Makes Retard Bet

Local man Gregory Carpenter, seen above on pavement, made a wager he would soon come to regret with Michael Majewski, shown above in victory pose.

It all started one day while Majewski was doing his daily proclimations of New England Football Patriots future success/domination. Carpenter had deemed Randy Moss to be less effective with the Patriots than Majewski did, and accepted a $1 wager on Randy Moss over/under 20 touchdowns this season with 1,000-1 odds.

Yikes.

Carpenter's olive branch of trust he had put in the Patriots spreading the ball around was soon destroyed by woodpeckers of force feeding the ball to Randy Moss despite double and occasional triple coverage.

Sources have revealed that each time Randy Moss would score a touchdown, Majewski would text Carpenter, stating "That's X thus far shooter", as well as forwarding the scoring update from ESPN to Clue, Skinner, McGinnis, and Carpenter.

When the bet was originally made, the proceeding thirty minutes were spent with Clue weaving Greg a verbal tapestry of how dumb that bet was. Greg's retort? "He's not gonna do it."

Good one Greg.

Even as touchdowns rained down like percipitation from the football Gods, Carpenter claimed that he was "not worried", as talk of the wager became commonly known around town.

However, with Moss's 4 touchdown performance on November 18th, it became imminently clear that the Juice-Man would continue his domination over Greg. Let's highlight some other Majewski victories over Carpenter.

1) On July 21st, 2007 Majewski hit a walk-off home run in the Majewski Olympics to defeat Carpenter's team. Greg, irate, took his angers out on the trohpy.

2) The New England Football Patriots are thus far undefeated, of which I remind Greg constantly. His team, the 49ers, sucks something fierce.

3) The Patriots have the 49ers 1st round pick in this upcoming draft.

4) Majewski owns Carpenter in Madden.

5) Majewski also won a wager against Carpenter in college football, when Majewski took Arizona + 12 vs. Oregon, a game that Arizona won outright. That means that Majewski has won over a thousand dollars from Carpenter in football prognostication this year.

Coulda been worse though.

The Most Disappointing 60 Million Ever Spent

The George Mitchell Report will be released to the public tomorrow. And what a steaming crock of shit it will be. The NY Daily News is reporting that the report with have the names of between 60-80 ball players.

Impressive? Not in the least. In 2003, under pressure to crack down on steroids, MLB tested around 1400 active players, not as a way to punish the users, but to try to get an actual number on how large the problem truly was.

Somewhere between 5%-7% of those involved in the survey test returned a positive result, approximately somewhere around 100 people.

100 fuckin’ people tested positive in one year, yet G-Mitch spent 60 million dollars to compile a list of, at most, 80 names which are linked to steroids. Way to go top cop.

The Wait....What? Stat Of The Week

Micah Owings, the pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, had as many 4 hit games this season as Derek Jeter did, and one more than Albert Pujols.

He averaged more home runs per at bat than David Ortiz or Matt Holliday.

He averaged more runs created per 27 outs (Translation: This is how many runs per game a team would score if their lineup is all one player) than National League MVP Jimmy Rollins.

This man alone is already making me regret my 60-1 bet on the San Francisco Giants to win the 2008 World Series.

Boo-Boo Needs a New Friend

This weekend, Tre Merritt, a 5 year old from Arkansas (obviously) shot himself a bear.

Reported by Heather Crawford from KATV/Little Rock:

""His 10th great-grandfather was Davy Crockett," Mike Merritt said. "And Davy supposedly killed him a bear when he was three. And Tre is five and really killed a bear.”

Tre confirmed his grandfather's account.

"I was up in the stand and I seen the bear," Tre Merritt said. "It came from the thicket and it was beside the road and I shot it."

Tre Merritt's father said he began teaching his son to shoot when he was just 2 ½ years old, and said Tre killed three deer last year.
The family plans to get a life-sized mount of the bear, but where they will put has yet to be determined."

So let me get this straight. A 20 year old can't enjoy a delicious vodka tonic legally. Ron Mexico is going to be spending the next two years of his life in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for enjoying the fine pastime of killing K-9's. Yet, this kid is going to get a street named after him for bustin’ a cap in Yogi’s ass? Call me a pussy-ass liberal democrat if you want, but if you’re not old enough to attend kindergarten, I don’t think you should be wielding a rifle.

I Was Gonna Pay My Child Support, But Then I Got High...

I was gonna get someone else’s piss, but then I got high…
I was gonna ask John Lynch for his, but then I got high…
Now I got to appeal, and I know why, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I was gonna pull out before blowing my rocks, but then I got high…
I was gonna put on a neon cock sock, but then I got high…
Now I got 9 kids, and I know why, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I was gonna help your fantasy team, but then I got high…
I was gonna score fifteen TD’s, but then I got high…
Now Selvin’s gettin the rock, and I know why, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

Dynamite Drop-in Monty!

News and Notes Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football '07 PLAY NOW

Dec 10 Shalise Manza Young, of the Providence Journal, reports New England Patriots QB Tom Brady (shoulder) started the team's Week 14 game. Thank God I got this vital information from Shalise Manza Young. Take a look at the date too. This was reported on Monday. I might have to create my own Yahoo sports page complete with the red flames coming out of it, indicating an update each time I make a sandwich.